I should really do a dramatic reading of some of the responses to that post I got and never published.
Some of them were absolutely gold.
May 2011
Here's my response to your response:
None of us "nice guys" expect anything. I CERTAINLY don't. What I was bemoaning was this society's obsession with pseudo-cyberlove, insubstantiality, and instant gratification. Take for example, your link to my link. If you read through what I wrote, you would have noticed that I never said I fucking EXPECTED ANYTHING FROM YOU. Nor did I say all women do or do not act a certain way (I used a generalization, then specifically apologized for it). Nor did I pretend that I deserve your affection because I'm nice. But, what does fucking piss me off is the fact that you think that just because we're not complete assholes that we all are Michael Cera wannabe Judd Apatow clones. I speak for the LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN in saying that just because I don't come up behind you and grab your ass to get your attention, doesn't mean I couldn't get it if I wanted to. I'm just better than that, and I think that society LOST something when people started being encouraged to judge others by memes and sound bites rather than by meaningful experiential data. I get that you were too busy defending your sex, and huffing and puffing about all the people who started posting shit after I sent out my letter; but let me leave you with this. The Cary Grant vintage of love is a much more complicated, sophisticated, aromatic, and pure one than the shit Brad Pitt's peddling. Therefore, I'll keep waiting at the top of the Empire State Building for my Debora Kerr, whoever she is.
Michael
Oh hey remember that asshole who wrote the “WAAAH NICE GUYS” post that I wrote that “FUCK YOU NICE GUYS” post in response to
He sent me this before pissily deleting his blog
I’m gonna post it now
“And, of course, you still have Joe Biden. What can I say about Joe Biden that hasn’t already been said incorrectly by Joe Biden? […] The President and Joe Biden were not invited to the Royal Wedding, and when Biden found out he immediately said to the President, “You. Me. Wedding Crashers 2. I’ll book us two Amtrak tickets to London.” The Vice President loves trains…he loves the trains. And I assume it must have been hard for the President to tell Biden the new budget cut $1.5 billion from high-speed rail. “Joe? Come on in. Take off your engineer’s cap. I have some bad news about the choo-choos.” As he broke the news, one of the straps of Joe’s overalls sadly drooped off his shoulder.”
—
seth meyers at the 2011 white house correspondents’ association dinner (via)
No, seriously, this was my favorite joke and moment of the entire evening.
One day.
One day I will revise what I type before it reaches you.
One time Beth sent me this message.
That day hasn’t come yet.
I'm going to go back and cast more fake comedian Law & Orders now, because Rachel deserves her Birbigs SVU and I have nothing better to do.
ASK BOX, AHOY! There is so much shit to wade through in there!
I'm going to give you some pretty shitty choices. You better cast them, or else.
Charlie Sheen, Miley Cyrus, Clint Eastwood, and Megan Fox.
- The only reason Charlie Sheen should ever be on Parks is if there’s a scene in Jerry’s house and Two and a Half Men is playing on TV in the background, which it totally would be, because Jerry is the worst.
- I’d be down with Miley playing Greg Pikitis’s girlfriend. The two put a burr in Leslie’s ass again on the next Halloween episode.
- Clint would definitely play a crazy old man at a town hall meeting and not be credited in the episode and it’d be like one of those things where everybody on the internet would be like “HOLY SHIT WAS THAT CLINT EASTWOOD.”
- I don’t know who Megan Fox would play, but Tom would definitely hit on her and it’d just be another painful rejection.
You guys, remember that night you gave me celebrities and I cast them in guest roles on Parks and Recreation?
That was a good night.
You guys, Beth got basically a perfect score on that "OH NA NA WHAT'S MY NAME/AGE/SHOE SIZE" survey, except for the question about my dad's name. Even though I said in my tags that my dad's name and my middle name are the same thing. And she got my middle name right.
So go congratulate her, and also, HERP DERP.
NO ONE WILL GET THIS RIGHT !
- My name
- My age
- My birthday
- My shoe size .
- My favorite color
- My eye color
- My dads name
- My middle name
- My worst fear
Lets see it! :)
GIVE IT YOUR BEST GUESS, KIDS
Finishing the Hat
Stephen Sondheim
Finishing the Hat, Stephen Sondheim sung by Mandy Patinkin
Mademoiselles…
You and me, pal…
Second bottle…
Ah, she looks for me…
Bonnet flapping…
Yapping…
Ruff!…
Chicken…
Pastry…
Yes, she looks for me-good.
Let her look for me to tell me why she left me-
As I always knew she would.
I had thought she understood.
They have never understood,
And no reason that they should.
But if anybody could…
Finishing the hat,
How you have to finish the hat.
How you watch the rest of the world
From a window
While you finish the hat.
Mapping out a sky.
What you feel like, planning a sky.
What you feel when voices that come
Through the window
Go
Until they distance and die,
Until there’s nothing but sky
And how you’re always turning back too late
From the grass or the stick
Or the dog or the light,
How the kind of woman willing to wait’s
Not the kind that you want to find waiting
To return you to the night,
Dizzy from the height,
Coming from the hat,
Studying the hat,
Entering the world of the hat,
Reaching through the world of the hat
Like a window,
Back to this one from that.
Studying a face,
Stepping back to look at a face
Leaves a little space in the way like a window,
But to see-
It’s the only way to see.
And when the woman that you wanted goes,
You can say to yourself, “Well, I give what I give.”
But the women who won’t wait for you knows
That, however you live,
There’s a part of you always standing by,
Mapping out the sky,
Finishing a hat…
Starting on a hat..
Finishing a hat…
Look, I made a hat…
Where there never was a hat
All-time favorite song. Ever. Honestly. Sorry, cool hipsters who want me to like cool music all the time. Steve has my heart. I still want that “finish the hat” tattoo.
“These are my birth certificate jokes. So thank you for the timing on that, Mr. President. (They’re) now unusable. We were working on these jokes for months. One of my guys said, ‘Are you worried we’re a little heavy on birth certificate jokes? What if he releases it before the dinner?’ And I was like ‘Why would he do that? He’s not gonna wait three years and release it before the dinner.’ (To the President.) Who told you I had birth certificate jokes? It was Assange, wasn’t it?”
—
SETH MEYERS, at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. (Complete with cutaway shot of an unamused Donald fucking Trump.)
My mom: Let’s put Trump and Palin on the same ticket and call it an election season.
Me: Would it be aired on Bravo? Because I, for one, would like to watch what happens.
